September 28, 2017
I haven’t blogged about this because it hurts too much. I think I’ve been waiting for a testimony of praise to talk about the valley that I’ve been walking through the past 2 years. But the testimony of praise hasn’t come. Therefore, I keep on walking through the valley, waiting for the situation to change.
Sometimes the valleys we walk through seem too much to bear. Sometimes the valleys we walk through are not something we can comprehend. Sometimes the valley seems like it goes against everything God says in His Word, and it’s very confusing.
And that’s where I’m at. I’m confused about why God allows women to have a desire for a child, and then He chooses not to fulfill it. I’m confused why God allows multiple infertility treatments, and then He still says no. I’m confused why God allows someone to deplete their savings on medical expenses, and they don’t work. I’m confused when I hear His Word so clearly, and then the outcome is not what I’ve been hearing.
That’s kinda where my thoughts stop. I don’t want to pray about it. I don’t want to read my Bible this morning. I just want to pout and be mad at God for a while. I just want to cry it out a few times until I have grieved the loss of a dream to have a family.
What’s next for us, I’m not sure. I don’t want to to try anymore infertility treatments. We believed wholeheartedly that if God wanted us to get pregnant through the treatment, He could have. He chose not to. We wanted to foster, but were denied because of my criminal history. Adoption is an option, but who has $30,000 to spend on adoption? Definitely not us.
So we will wait. I will try to put this desire for a family out of my mind. And I will try to rejoice when everyone around me is growing their families. Eventually, I’ll stop being hurt and confused by God’s actions, and accept that He is God. And His ways are higher than our ways. And for whatever reason, He has decided to give me a very deep valley to walk through, for the second time in my life.