February 25, 2016
Day 3: GOD IS STILL ENOUGH
Decisions have to be made. Your choices today will change the course of your life. One of the hardest things in life is having to sit back and watch someone you love make terrible choices, and there is nothing you can do about it. My family had to go through this with me. We are still going through it with my little sister and Corey’s little sister. Now we will go through it with Blake.
The worse that I spoke about yesterday got even worse than I imagined. One boundary that we set when he came here was no drugs in the house. For obvious reasons this was something that there are no exceptions for. If he brings drugs into our home, then he can’t stay here. # 1: I don’t want to go back to prison and I’m still on probation. My PO could stop by anytime she wants and search my home. #2: Drugs are bad and we don’t want him to be a drug addict anymore. DUH! Did I really have to explain that?
So needless to say that I was shocked when I found a homemade bong in his closet yesterday after he left for school. Shocked and angry! We trusted this kid in our home and he does this.
I knew right away that I was going to get to go “Prison Style Shake Down” on his room to make sure there were not any drugs in this house. I was shaking, I was so excited… or maybe I was shaking out of anger.
Maybe I should explain for those of you who aren’t well versed in prison lingo. A “Shake Down” is where the prison guards tear every inch of your living space apart looking for any type of contraband. As I described it once back in 2008 “Our dorm looked like Hurricane Katrina all over again.”
Well his room definitely looked like Hurricane Katrina too! I held nothing back. As my friend stood close by (mostly for emotional support than anything else since she had never heard of a “shake down”), I tore through drawers, shoes, under the mattress, in every box and under every crevasse. I thought of every place I had ever hid drugs in my life. She just sat there wide eyed and shocked that I would even think of some of these places.
It was fun. But it was painful as I found things that I wish I wouldn’t have found in his room. No drugs. Thank you Jesus!
But the websites he has been searching on his computer are indication that he is searching out drugs in Weatherford. And this is enough for me to take caution. He may not have them yet, but he is looking for them, which means they will be in his possession soon enough. That’s how it is with an addict. You get that itch and you don’t stop until you’ve got your fix.
I’m sad over this. We wanted to set him up for success but he didn’t want it for himself. We wanted to show him love but he rejected it. We wanted to show Him Jesus but he yelled at me last night that he doesn’t want to be a Christian. Nobody asked for these circumstances. We were all thrown into them and we were trying to make the best of them. He is trying to make the worst of them.
So now we have decisions to make. We know what we think is best for him and he knows what he thinks is best for him. The chaos is not going to stop if he stays with us. He does not want to be here. He won’t go to the Youth Challenge Program because he thinks he is now being forced into it. When only 4 months ago, it was his idea to go to it.
We are at a loss for what to do.
Day 3 of a 31 day fast for Blake and this is where we are at.
Lord, what are we fasting for? I feel like we’re doing something wrong here. This is not how I expected this fast to go. But Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts and Your ways are higher than my ways. So I will trust that, even now, You are still enough.