August 9, 2012
One of the desires of my heart is to find a husband and start a family when I get out. For the past few years I have let this desire consume my thoughts. I have read every book on relationships, marriage and parenting that I could find. Which is good cause I got some really good knowledge. But my focus was on finding this man to make me complete. I longed for this pure intimacy that I’ve never known before. And I just couldn’t wait for God to bring this man so I could experience what true love is.
Then one day Chaplain Neese told me that I had to be okay single before I could be in this relationship I’m waiting for.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “I’ve been single for 4 years and I’m okay.”
And he pointed out that I’m okay single cause I am expecting not to be when I get out. I’ve got to be okay single by choice.
And at this moment I realized he was right. I am expecting God to bring this man in my life so I can be romanced. But I haven’t been seeking God as my Romancer. I knew Him as my Redeemer, my Deliverer, my Friend, but never my Lover.
And this desire started to come to know Him as my Lover and my Husband. SO I surrendered this desire to be loved by a man and to find a husband. And when I did, it opened up a whole new perspective for me.
Now I am able to be truly loved by God. I have this intimacy with God that I’ve never known. I know Him now as my Pursuer. He wants to be pursued and loved just like I do. And He has pursued me like I always wanted a man to, but He never gave up.
He is tender and inviting, intimate, fiercely devoted to me. He has such a passionate, romantic heart. How could I have missed this side of God all these years? I only knew of His love as a Father and a Savior. I knew His love was great, but I didn’t understand the depth of it.
His love is so amazing. And I am so glad I am knowing Him more intimately. Because no man will ever complete me. No man will satisfy my deepest longing. But Jesus does. And it is more love that I have room to receive!