Something I don’t think I’ve ever shared about is finally ready to make its way to paper. Before I was arrested, I was confused about my sexuality. I thought for a short time that I was bi-sexual. When I got to county jail, I still had this mindset and this distorted view of who I was.
So, here I am, in jail, realizing for the first time what it means to be set apart by God. I learned who God really was and that I could have a relationship with Him. I learned how deep His love was for me and I immediately knew that He was the One who could fill this void I’d been trying to fill for years.
So what gets me choked up every-time is how, even though I was experiencing God on an intimate level, leading Bible studies and spending most of my time in my bed studying the scriptures, I still thought it was okay for me to have a girlfriend. I justified it with “god loves me the same…I love God the same…we read the Bible together…she needs my good influence…”
Good influence? Really? I was wallowing in a sin that God calls an abomination. But at the time, I didn’t see it that way. I used the excuse “I’m working on this.” But I had no intention of changing.
It wasn’t until after she left that God told me “if you love me, you will keep my commandments” (1 John 5:3)
Boy, did that slap me in the face! But now that she was gone, I was ready to love Him with my whole heart…or so I thought.
I was still writing this girl and I secretly wanted her to come back to jail (after all, she had been a regular at this jail for years). So I prayed to God to “test me”. I said I was praying it because I was delivered from homosexuality and I “just wanted to be sure.” But really my hopes were that He’d bring her back.
Little did I know that God’s ways are so much higher than my ways. He had a different test for me. Actually, now, looking back, I know it wasn’t God testing me, it was Satan tempting me.
So, this other girl comes along. We become immediate friends because she slept in the bed next to mine. But it quickly turned into more than a friendship. When she kissed me in the bathroom one day, I was repulsed and uncomfortable. I knew it was the Lord’s doing. I kept hearing “if you love me, obey me”.
So, I told her it wasn’t right and I couldn’t do it anymore. Mind you, before this friendship crossed the line, we had just started reading the Bible together. I was given an opportunity to minister to her and I threw it away because I let my lusts and evil desires consume me.
There is more to this story, but I think I will save it for another day. I ended up fasting for 3 days…twice – until I was completely delivered from my desires to be with a woman. I know exactly what Jesus meant when He said “this kind can only be cast out by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:21).
I am just in awe of how great is the mercy and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ! I would blow it over and over again by deliberately being disobedient. Yet God would still speak His wonderful mysteries to me. Why? Because He knew I wasn’t perfect, however, He also knew in my heart, I wanted to change.
There will be more stories about this to come. It took me so long to write about it because I was still working through some of my feelings that would surface. But I know now who I am and I definitely know who I am not. So I am ready to share more of the never-ending supply of grace that I have been given!