I did a lot of things growing up that I’m not proud of. A lot of things that I have kept secret until this drug program started dragging it out of me. My sinful nature was dominant over my desires and also over my convictions. The lusts of my flesh pretty much got whatever they wanted.
I strung a lot of guys hearts along, and most of the time my heart was strung along too. I was boy-crazy and I thought dating meant trying out different guys until I met Mr. Perfect.
I remember reading a book in high school called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” It was about giving up the dating scene and living a life of serving God until it’s time for marriage. I can remember thinking “wow – this sounds like something I want to do!” But, I couldn’t. I thought my life was only worthwhile when I had a boyfriend. I wanted so bad to be “loved” or maybe I just wanted to be “in love.” I think that was it. I was in love with the idea of being in love. So I didn’t kiss dating goodbye. Instead, I kissed God goodbye. I pushed and pushed until He was no longer welcome in my relationships. And with Him no there – I felt okay to do whatever I wanted in my relationships.
And this is part of why they never lasted. They failed again and again to the point that I felt like a failure and felt unloved.
I misused romantic love. I thought I could enjoy it whenever and however I pleased. I thought I could “play” marriage with out the commitment part. But I was wrong. Feelings go way out of hand and hearts got broken – usually mine.
The bride of Solomon says “Do not awaken or arouse love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 8:4) It was never Gods timing or purpose for me to pursue the relationships that I was in. Something I will be sure of now is to not follow my feelings wherever they lead me. My aunt sent me the sequel to “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” – its called “Say Hello to Courtship”. It talks about how important it is to have wisdom when considering romance. That’s something I’ve never had, but I look forward to gaining more of it in the future. I look forward to living my life the right way and heaving healthy, purposeful relationships!