I wrote a few weeks ago about my roommate, who was difficult to live with and just plain stayed on my nerves. (I know…oh the sinful thoughts… forgive me Lord…)

Well, it started to get a little easier because she made a decision to change for the better after the concert we had a few weeks ago with Addison Road. She got a Bible journal. She started asking questions about what she was reading. She joined us in our prayer group on Monday afternoon. She was really making an effort. We had some good talks the few nights following the concert.

But on Tuesday – she had a review and got some news that she was being held back for an additional 5 weeks in the phase she was in. This happens to a lot of people. It is not a bad thing – it only means you don’t have the concepts down yet and need a little extra time. But she kinda freaked out and cussed out the staff. Next thing we know, she’s in handcuffs, being taken to county.

I’m not gonna lie – the first thing I thought was “Praise God.” But I immediately wondered – is this a God thing or is this an attack? The devil wasn’t happy that she was seeking the Lord. And I’m sure he jumped on the opportunity to make her act out. But wow – How faithful is God!! He turns things meant for evil into good! (Gen 50:20) It is very possible He has her in a place all to Himself now. She doesn’t have to focus on the program here. Or people picking on her. She can lift her eyes up to God and seek Him wholeheartedly! Oh how Wonderful His ways are!

Please pray that God uses this time for His Glory! Her name is Ashley! Thanks a lot!

Have you ever wanted to fix something so bad – but it’s out of your control?  Have you ever looked in from the outside and known a better way to do something – but no one will listen?  Have you ever been through something – made it to the other side – and then had to sit back while a loved one makes the same mistake for themselves?

These are tight, hard places to be.  And this is not me being close-minded – saying my way is best (although that was me at one point.)  This is me saying “I’VE DONE THIS!  DON’T DO WHAT I DID!!  THERE’S A BETTER WAY!”
But still – I’m ignored.

It’s hard sometimes to not pick up this burden as my own.  The Bible says to “Carry each others burdens.”  But this is a burden I want to take off and run with so she can’t have it back!  And I can’t.  The only way for this burden to be removed is if it is laid down at the cross!

Jesus said to cast all your burdens on Him.  Oh how I wish I could get this through to her.

But there I go again.  It is not my job to get through to her.  It is my job to plant little seeds of faith.  It is my job to stay prayed up.  It is my job to love her unconditionally and trust God completely that it’s His job to get through to her.

Addiction is a heavy burden to carry alone.  Unfortunately – it deceives you into believing that you don’t need anyone’s help.  Have I said how much I HATE this drug??

God is delivering my family from the bondage of addiction!  It has no place in my life!  And no place in my sister’s life!  IN JESUS NAME!  And it IS DONE!  Please lift up prayers for Ashley.  She needs our help in a major way right now.  And I won’t forget the scripture I pulled the other day

“God is our refuge and strength.  Our help in the time of trouble”  (Ps 46:1.)

I was walking back to my dorm this morning with a friend and she said, “I’m sure ready for Christmas to be over.  It’s so hard for me.  So many memories from home.”
I said “Well, don’t see it like that.  Tomorrow is about celebrating Jesus.  And this is the only Christmas that we can celebrate ONLY Him!  We’re not celebrating presents, or family.  It’s all about Jesus this year!  And this is the last year to have Him all to ourselves.  Next year we will be back with family and celebrating together… which is GREAT too… but this year it’s just you and Him!”
She smiled and said “Thanks, I never thought of it like that.”
When I realized the true meaning of Christmas, 3 years ago, sitting in county jail – I was brought to tears.  I was disappointed in myself for forgetting that Jesus is the Reason for the Season!  So many years of worrying about presents and about how I was gonna go visit the family – but avoid them at the same time.  Oh, what I would do to take those years back!  But what matters is now.  Let the past be the past.  And celebrate today!  Cause God is with us!  He came to save us!  Emmanuel!  Precious Jesus!  Precious Lord!

Merry Christmas to all!  I pray blessings rain down and peace covers your family!  And don’t ever forget why we celebrate this special day!

My devotional today says,

“Be willing to go out on a limb with me.  If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be.  Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief.  You are approaching a crossroads in your journey.  In order to follow me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.”

I think I play it safe here.  I don’t take a lot of risks.  I talk about God all day long to the people I am safe talking to… but do I make a point to talk to people who I know don’t know Him?  I comfort my friends regularly… but do I seek out others who are hurting?  I got to the church service I am comfortable in… but have a given the other service a chance?  I go to the Bible study I enjoy the most… but do I start a new Bible study that is inmate led?  I read my Bible every day… but am I searching and digging to hear from God?  I am definitely doing enough to say I’m a Christian… but am I making a difference?
I know I could give more of myself and step out of my comfort zone.  And “whatever I do, I WILL do it wholeheartedly to the Lord, and not unto men.” (Col. 3:23)  But am I brave enough to do this?
And then the test comes.  It wasn’t 30 minutes after I wrote this blog that it was brought to my attention about dissension in the church between the praise dancers and the choir.  I didn’t even know.  So now, the question is – Am I brave enough to confront the girl responsible for it and try to bring unity to the leaders in the church?
ABSOLUTELY!  This is our church and the devil is having a hay day if we are not on one accord!  I am going to suggest we meet to pray together once a week – all the ladies that are leaders in the church.  Praying that she won’t shut me down.  RISK # 1!!

“Be strong and courageous; be not afraid, neither be dismayed: for the Lord is with you wherever you go.”  (Joshua 1:9)

This morning I went to vacuum the gym and the lights hadn’t been turned on yet.  The only lights were from the Christmas tree which is set up right by the piano.  There was just enough light to see my music so I sat down and enjoyed some music by the lights of the tree.  It was beautiful.

Made me yearn for the day I will be home playing my own tree!  Get ready Mom… you won’t be able to stop the music!
Then the next blessing came when Krista – who was doing yoga came and thanked me for playing.  She said she remembered growing up when her mom would play Christmas music by the tree.  That’s beautiful!  It blesses me when my music blesses others!

So there are some amazing things happening right now.  Not only in my prison – but in prisons across the country as well!  By the grace of God – I have learned of a man who is on fire for God and has a thriving ministry inside the walls of his prison.  I’m not gonna go into detail about him cause you can see his story for yourself at www.themattmaherstory.com.
So what is so amazing is that we have crossed paths for a time such as this.  He has been praying for a mighty move in the lives of the men on Tier 7 where he lives.  For peace and unity in His dorm and that the works of Satan be undone so the works of God can be glorified!  And yesterday, a few women here joined with me in praying for him.  We met at the same time they did.  We met in the Throne room of God to “Storm the Gates of Heaven for Tier 7!”
We planned a day of prayer and fasting for Thursday.  My friend Cheryl fasted with me.  Our plan was to pray at 11am, 4:30pm and 7:30pm with Matt and a few others.  But then, on Wednesday, I found out that we were having a concert here so we couldn’t pray at 7:30.  I knew we’d be in worship while Matt and them were praying, and that’s just as great because we still met in the Throne Room together!  PRAISE BEFORE PRAYER!!
The concert ended up being so special to me (you can read more about that here).  And to everyone else here also.  Come to find out – so much prayer went into the concert before hand as well!  So Thursday was totally covered with prayer!
And then if that wasn’t enough – God showed up once more before the day was over.  He brought my sister, Ashley, out of her living situation and put her in a position to get the help she needs.  She is at a treatment center to be delivered from her addiction!  PRAISE GOD!  He is so faithful!  And He is going to deliver her in JESUS NAME!
I will be in some major prayer for her the next 30 days.  Please pray that she is receptive and that she doesn’t go back to the guy she left.  God’s got His hand on her and there is no escaping Him cause she’s got a praying family!  She doesn’t stand a chance!

“The fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much!”  -James 5:16

Nights like tonight I can completely forget I am in prison!  On a night like tonight, my focus is completely off myself – my circumstances – my problems – or even my requests.  On a night like tonight, my heart, soul and mind is with Jesus!

We had a sweet surprise tonight.  The most amazing thing I’ve seen since I’ve been in prison.

First of all, we had already planned on today being a day of fasting (more on that later).  So to end my day with this gift – left me utterly amazed!
Yesterday a memo was sent out that we were having a concert tonight.  But this was no ordinary concert… no joke if they didn’t bring us a real artist – Addison Road.  And no joke that she sings my FAVORITE song – “Hope Now.”

And no joke that the lead singer was my friend Jenny from high school!  WOAH!

We were both shocked to see each other there.  I couldn’t believe she was Addison Road.  She couldn’t believe I was in prison!
And we had an amazing night.  Her songs touched me to my core!  Maybe because this had already been a powerful day of prayer.  Maybe because God’s hand was so heavily upon us tonight that it was impossible not to feel His touch.
I stand in awe at this special gift that God gave me tonight.  I couldn’t ask for a better Christmas present (other than to be home of course.)  But being that I am here – God truly showed up tonight!  Just like He’s been doing so much lately.
I always wondered what it would have been like to go to my 10 year high school reunion.  And I think that it would have been just like it was to see Jenny tonight!  Smiles – tears – hugs – and God’s Presence!

It was beautiful. 

And I am grateful.

I’m really struggling with getting along with my roommate. She’s been here almost 2 months now and she refuses to learn the rules. Let me rephrase that… she knows them… but doesn’t follow them.

A huge part of my program is holding each other accountable. We do this for multiple reasons. #1 being that if we can’t follow the rules here – how will be follow them out there… even the little rules like locking your locker or having more than 2 pieces of fruit.

The other main reason for holding people accountable is to practice our assertive communication. This is huge for me because I have never been assertive. If something bothered me – I just overlooked it or put up with it. And this has been very irritating for me the past 3 years when I had a roommate that sang along with the headphones…off key… or a roommate that was loud when I was sleeping. Before, I would have huffed and puffed or taken a loud deep breath. But never would I have asked them to be quiet… after all – this is prison and you can just deal with it.

But it’s different here. People respect each other and it is appropriate to address behaviors that are bothersome. And it is expected to address when someone is struggling with one of the 8 attitudes of change (which is what we base our whole program on.) They are responsibility, caring, gratitude, humility, willingness, open-mindedness, objectivity and honesty.

And being that I am further along in my program than my roommate, I am expected to point out her struggles to her. But I have to do it EVERY day and I kinda feel like a nag. She doesn’t even try to correct her behaviors and this is causing me to build resentments toward her because I feel like I am putting more into her program than she is.

I know that God placed her in my room for a reason. And I try extra hard to be nice to her – but I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is some days.

The scripture that gives me the most comfort right now is Proverbs 24:10 “If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small.”

I know I have to get past these feelings I have toward her or I will not be able to help her and I will hinder myself from growing. I will always wonder what I could have done differently to make a difference in her life. So I know I gotta try a little harder at loving the unlovable.

“But my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus”  (Phil 4:19)

One thing I know for sure is that God is supplying us here!  Just a few weeks ago there were 3 people on the praise team.  I was getting nervous because the one girl comfortable with leading songs with the mic is leaving the end of December.   I couldn’t lead the songs with the mic and play the piano because we didn’t have a mic stand.  So I was about to be in a bind and I was kind of freaking out.  I always tend to freak out right before I realize how to fix it!  I’m still waiting for my response to be “PRAY FIRST” – then there is no need to freak out… I’m not quite there yet!

So I start praying.  I got 2 other women to pray in agreement with me.  We prayed for blessings on the music ministry – more people – more equipment – more music.  And slowly He’s been answering prayers… actually it was gradual but QUICK because it’s only a few weeks later.
We now have 8 members – and a mic stand – AND I was blessed with a new Christmas music book!  So many blessings – so many answered prayers.
One of the girls that joined has a prayer journal that she marks off as the prayers get answered.  She had been praying for new Christmas music and when I showed her the new book I got – she jumped up and RAN to get her journal to show me where she had been praying for it just the day before!  AMAZING!  God is just so good and I stand in awe of His mighty works!

I want to share another time when God let me know that He was listening and that He was watching.  Like I said in my last blog, I had a girlfriend in the county jail.  And we would sit at the tables all day making cards and crafts, flirting and dedicating every song that came on the radio to each other.  It was mushy stuff like what I did in 8th grade.  We were so “in love.”  After all, we’d known each other for 3 whole weeks!

That’s what happens when 2 women are in a romantic relationship.  Women crave emotional intimacy so you get a double portion of emotions and drama!

Anyway – so we started plotting a rendezvous to the bathroom for a make out session for the next day.  I wasn’t completely comfortable with this idea and was very convicted about it when I laid down that night.  I said my prayers and was about to go to sleep when I was led to open my Bible.  I opened to Psalm 19 and when I got to verse 13, I broke down in tears.  It says:

“Keep back your servant from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then I shall be upright and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.”

Here I was planning to sin one minute – then coming to talk to God before bed like i wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I started praying this scripture “Lord don’t let me willfully sin.  Please keep me from doing this. I know its wrong. Help me to be strong because I cant do this on my own.”

Sure enough, not even 10 minutes later, this girl got in a fight with the guard over something I cant remember and she ended up getting taken to isolation.  I was amazed at how quickly God worked on my behalf.

She ended up staying in isolation for most of her stay.  I was so thankful that the physical part of our relationship was not able to escalate.  But we had an emotional relationship through letters and that is just as dangerous.

This is something I will never forget.  How quickly He removed her from the picture when I prayed according to His Word.  But also, how months later when I prayed that He bring her back to jail, He didn’t!

It reminds me of Matthew 7:9-10: “If your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you given them a stone?  Or if they ask you for a fish, do you give them a snake? OF course not!”

In fact, if what we are asking for is not God’s will, and would turn out to be a “snake” He will guard us from receiving it as well.  And that’s what he did for me.  He gave me what I asked for according to His will.  And He kept me from receiving what was harmful to me.

And that’s the awesome grace of our Lord Jesus