New picture of Randi from prison

So I have been dreading this northern winter that is on its way right now.  I’ve seen snow, but in Texas it only stays for a few days and then it’s gone… and I am perfectly okay with that!  I have been praying that the warm weather stays.  I even went as far as to pray for a Texas winter in Illinois. (It never hurts to ask   And boy was I surprised when the sun came out and it was warm enough to leave my jacket at the dorm.  It lasted 2 days and people said they were surprised it was that warm in December.  But I wasn’t surprised!  I knew why!  It was my little treat before He let loose the snow.
So today when it did start snowing – much to my surprise – I was excited about it!  I was making cards and outside my window were lots of little flurries.  It was beautiful!  And I realized that although I have been dreading the snow – I am actually delighted it is here!  And I’m gonna enjoy my first and last real white winter.  And my LAST winter in prison!  Hallelujah!
“For He says to the snow ‘fall on the earth,’ and to the rain shower, ‘be a mighty downpour.’  So that all men He has made may know His work.”  Job 37:6-7

So, here I am, in jail, realizing for the first time what it means to be set apart by God.  I learned who God really was and that I could have a relationship with Him.  I learned how deep His love was for me and I immediately knew that He was the One who could fill this void I’d been trying to fill for years.

So what gets me choked up every-time is how, even though I was experiencing God on an intimate level, leading Bible studies and spending most of my time in my bed studying the scriptures, I still thought it was okay for me to have a girlfriend.  I justified it with “god loves me the same…I love God the same…we read the Bible together…she needs my good influence…”

Good influence?  Really?  I was wallowing in a sin that God calls an abomination.  But at the time, I didn’t see it that way.  I used the excuse “I’m working on this.”  But I had no intention of changing.

It wasn’t until after she left that God told me “if you love me, you will keep my commandments” (1 John 5:3)

Boy, did that slap me in the face! But now that she was gone, I was ready to love Him with my whole heart…or so I thought.

I was still writing this girl and I secretly wanted her to come back to jail (after all, she had been a regular at this jail for years).  So I prayed to God to “test me”.  I said I was praying it because I was delivered from homosexuality and I “just wanted to be sure.”  But really my hopes were that He’d bring her back.

Little did I know that God’s ways are so much higher than my ways.  He had a different test for me.  Actually, now, looking back, I know it wasn’t God testing me, it was Satan tempting me.

So, this other girl comes along. We become immediate friends because she slept in the bed next to mine.  But it quickly turned into more than a friendship.  When she kissed me in the bathroom one day, I was repulsed and uncomfortable.  I knew it was the Lord’s doing. I kept hearing “if you love me, obey me”.

So, I told her it wasn’t right and I couldn’t do it anymore.  Mind you, before this friendship crossed the line, we had just started reading the Bible together.  I was given an opportunity to minister to her and I threw it away because I let my lusts and evil desires consume me.

There is more to this story, but I think I will save it for another day.  I ended up fasting for 3 days…twice – until I was completely delivered from my desires to be with a woman. I know exactly what Jesus meant when He said “this kind can only be cast out by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:21).

I am just in awe of how great is the mercy and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ! I would blow it over and over again by deliberately being disobedient.  Yet God would still speak His wonderful mysteries to me.  Why?  Because He knew I wasn’t perfect, however, He also knew in my heart, I wanted to change.

There will be more stories about this to come. It took me so long to write about it because I was still working through some of my feelings that would surface.  But I know now who I am and I definitely know who I am not.  So I am ready to share more of the never-ending supply of grace that I have been given!

I strung a lot of guys hearts along, and most of the time my heart was strung along too.  I was boy-crazy and I thought dating meant trying out different guys until I met Mr. Perfect.

I remember reading a book in high school called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”  It was about giving up the dating scene and living a life of serving God until it’s time for marriage.  I can remember thinking “wow – this sounds like something I want to do!”  But, I couldn’t.  I thought my life was only worthwhile when I had a boyfriend.  I wanted so bad to be “loved” or maybe I just wanted to be “in love.”  I think that was it.  I was in love with the idea of being in love.  So I didn’t kiss dating goodbye.  Instead, I kissed God goodbye.  I pushed and pushed until He was no longer welcome in my relationships.  And with Him no there – I felt okay to do whatever I wanted in my relationships.

And this is part of why they never lasted.  They failed again and again to the point that I felt like a failure and felt unloved.

I misused romantic love.  I thought I could enjoy it whenever and however I pleased.  I thought I could “play” marriage with out the commitment part.  But I was wrong.  Feelings go way out of hand and hearts got broken – usually mine.

The bride of Solomon says “Do not awaken or arouse love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 8:4)  It was never Gods timing or purpose for me to pursue the relationships that I was in.  Something I will be sure of now is to not follow my feelings wherever they lead me.  My aunt sent me the sequel to “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” – its called “Say Hello to Courtship”.  It talks about how important it is to have wisdom when considering romance.  That’s something I’ve never had, but I look forward to gaining more of it in the future.  I look forward to living my life the right way and heaving healthy, purposeful relationships!

I watched Joel Osteen on TV Sunday and he talked about speaking to our mountains.  He said it isn’t enough to just pray about it, you have to speak to it – tell it to move.  So I came back to my room and I said, “Mountain of prison – I’m talking to you!  And I am commanding you in the name of Jesus to release me!  The Bible says ‘The Lord frees the prisoners,’ so you have to let me go!
I said some other things too.  I practically yelled at my mountain.  Then I spoke the Word over it.  In Mark 11:22-24 Jesus says: “Have faith in God.  I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself in the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will  happen, it will be done for him.  Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”
I believe it!  I received it and I knew my mountain would soon be leveled!  And sure enough – the next day they called my name to leave.  I got shackled up and loaded the plane.  All along smiling cause God moved my mountain so fast!  I was amazed!
Unfortunately, we had plane troubles and had to turn around and unload.  Somehow, the devil got his foot back in the door and is keeping me  here in Oklahoma for a little longer.  But I’m still speaking to my mountain.  And I’m gonna keep climbing it until it moves!

So what do you do when you live with someone who never learned what manners are? And no matter how many times you tell her not to do something, she still does it. I’ve turned into a germaphobic because she won’t stop touching my stuff. I’m wired about my personal space because we have hardly any. The one area that is mine is my locker. And she is constantly leaning on it, and I’ve been getting very aggravated by this.

Another thing that has always bothered me is bodily functions like burping and passing gas. I just don’t think it’s lady like – like for women to fart in front of people. Excuse yourself and do it outside of the room! But, not everyone has manners like I want them to have. The other day she was drinking a hot soda and burping like crazy, it seriously grossed me out.

But let me tell you what was really funny. She was snoring the other night and it was so loud. I was sitting at the desk writing and all of a sudden she let’s one rip and wakes herself up it was so loud. She said “excuse me”. I wasn’t sure if i was relieved because she wasn’t snoring anymore or if I was disgusted because she farted.

I know there is nothing I can do to fix this, this is part of the territory that comes with prison.

I am constantly having to ask God to help me to love her and help me to see her through his eyes because it is so easy to let resentments form and let small things grow like cancer. Loving people that are hard to love is always going to be a fact of life. Whether I am in prison, at work, and maybe even at home for some people. But that’s what we are called to do. To love the unlovables. Even ones that burp, fart and snore!

“God is love, whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us.” 1 John 4:16-17

I am thankful for this time that I have had since I got here. I’m learning about the program and all the requirements. I don’t have a job yet so I’ve been working out every morning while everyone else is in class, and I’m enjoying it. I heard it takes 21 days to form a habit and I have finally formed a good habit for myself.

I am taking  horticulture class and I love learning about plants. We will be planting a garden soon. Were growing vegetables that we get to eat! I am so excited about that.

The church service isn’t as good as Carswell, that’s something I miss the most. We had a close family there, and I don’t see anything like that here. They asked me to play the piano at service and I hope to spice up praise and worship. Right now it is… um… boring! I have some ideas but I think I’m going to wait till I’m comfortable with the chaplains and the girls that put church together. Please pray that I have the opportunity to add to the services. Right now it just feels like they are going through the motions and I think church should be enjoyable.

I also could use prayers for my piano lessons. I will be teaching piano 102 and I am nervous about it. I know how to play- but explaining it to someone else is another story. I’m fighting it. I want to back out of it. But there are 10 people already looking forward to the next class. So, I’m going to follow through with it.

That’s about all that’s going on here, I can’t wait to start the program. I’ll be doing  lot of writing here and will have lot’s to blog about.