I worshiped you.  I thought I needed you to survive.  I couldn’t get up in the morning if you weren’t there.  And I thought About you throughout my whole day.  I lived my life for you.  Then you stole it from me.  You ruined and deceived me.  You made me believe I didn’t deserve to be loved and that I would never have anyone better.     You controlled my relationships and I was miserable for years as I gave up my family, my education and my freedom to be with you.

I quit college because I thought you were more fun to be with.  But your fun was short lived because I needed more and more of you.  I did what ever it took to get to you.  Things I am ashamed of today.  I slept with strange men, stole money from my boyfriend and I used my entire paycheck on you instead of paying my bills.  I betrayed my family because I had to hide you from them.  The one time my dad did confront me about you, I lied and manipulated him into thinking I was fine.  Now he still has a hard time believing I’m done with you.  I remember when my mom and dad both cried when I was sentenced.  You made me a disappointment to them.

You took hold of me and squeezed every bit of life out of me.   I was no longer the free spirited, joyful person I grew up as.  But I got news for you!  I’m no longer your slave!  I have removed your yoke from my neck and God has freed me from your bondage.  You intended to harm me, but God intended you for good.  To bring me closer to Him.  Now because of what I’ve gone through, I am stronger and I have a testimony that I plan to share with other victims you are trying to get your hands on.  You are dead to me.  No longer a thorn in my side!  I am free to live for me now. And you will never be able to harm me or my family again.

I have been watching the tribute and memorial to 9-11 on TV.  And it breaks my heart to see the videos from that day.  It is devastating to me.  What is even more devastating to me is what I was doing on September 11, 2001.  I remember it vividly.  I lived in an apartment in Carrollton, TX.   I had just go a big screen TV and I was flipping through the channels.  I saw it on almost every channel – but I didn’t want to watch it.  I remember saying, “Nothing good ever happens on the news!  This is why I don’t watch it.  So I don’t have to worry about all the terrible things going on.”  I figured if I didn’t know about it, it didn’t effect me.  And from that day on – I never watched the news.

I was so deep in my addiction that I sown played the most tragic event of my lifetime.  I think I was more worried about gas prices going up than anything else.  We were cooking dope at my house that morning and I remember thinking it was a perfect opportunity to go buy sudafed pills because no one would be paying attention to what I was doing.  And that’s what I did that day.  I bought pills to cook dope and filled my car up with gas.  This is awful!  I was so sick that I took advantage of this tragedy to further my addiction.

Obama read from Psalm 46 today at the memorial service in New York.  “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble….”  I think it is amazing that even though there is controversy over prayers in schools and even graduations, that the President of the United States still recognizes that God is our help in our time of trouble.

Randi is back in Illinois and is so glad to be back where the food is good and she has more freedoms.  She would love to hear from anyone who would like to write.  She can be reached at:

Randi Spearman 05096-095
FCI GREENVILLE
FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION
P.O. BOX 5000
GREENVILLE, IL  62246

Galations6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good: for in due season we will reap if we faint not.”  I am trying not to grow weary. Not to give up.  It’s hard!  How do you not grow weary of doing nothing all day-every day?  Sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I’m stuck on spin cycle and just going round and round.  I can’t see any purpose for me in this place.  And I want to have a purpose.  Then I remember that it usually gets the hardest right before the break through!  The devil is putting on the heat because my miracle is fixing to show up!  And at this point I need to take it one day at a time-quit worrying about the days to come and just get through today.  I gotta remember that “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

It is Friday and I really thought I was leaving on the plane to head back to real prison today.  But I got left!  I am extremely disappointed considering I have been counting down the days for 2 weeks now.  The past 2 weeks felt like 2 months!  It has gone so slow.  And I have reached my highest irritability level possible and it was time for me to go!  Unfortunately I am still here and will need to search deep down to find “The peace that passes understanding” that overcomes all these negative feelings and thoughts.  One thing that I am absolutely not going to do is complain about not getting what I
wanted and expected.  Philippians 2:14 says “Do everything without grumbling and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world.”  Oh but there is so much I could complain about!  The girl smacks her food, the other girl screeches at the top of her lungs, it’s 40 degrees in this dorm(that might be a slight exaggeration), no coffee, cold food, beans and hot dogs, beans and hot dogs, more beans and hot dogs!  Oh yes I could definitely voice my opinion about the inconveniences.  But it’s not going to make it better.  So instead I am going to be content with where I am because “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13)  I know that God’s purpose still prevails in my life and there is a lesson to be learned in every circumstance.  There is a reason for everything as well.  I just hope it is a good reason that I am still here.  And even if I never find out the reason the plane left without me, I know I can rely on god to supply all my needs while I’m here according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  I can draw my strength from Him until I am free from this place!

So this place is really wearing me down.  I got kicked out of my 2 man cell because they had to turn it into a lock down cell cause people want to act up.  So now I am sleeping on a mat on the dirty floor, back in the room I started in where there is no such thing as sleep.  I’ve started to get snappy and let my mouth speak before my mind stops it.  These women are just so disrespectful and its all the time not just sometimes.  I’m tired of it, but there is nothing I can do about it.  It’s getting to the point where I’m getting angry and want to yell back at them.  So I decided to meditate on James 1:19 “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”  I have the “quick to hear” part down.  I don’t have a choice and I am forced to listen to them because they talk so loud.  I might not understand anything said cause there are 3 or 4 conversations going on at the same time.  Each trying to talk over the others, but I’m hearing it.  Okay!  So I know that’s not what the scripture means, but I’m just being for real!  So I get out my Bible so I can read and read and read the “slow to speak-slow to get angry” part.  And I continued to read.  “For mans anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.  Therefore, ridding yourself of all moral filth and evil excess, humbly receive the implanted word, which is able to save you.” (vs 20-21)  I think I had some “evil excess” trying to come over me.  I have to humble myself and hold my tongue.

I think that when they get loud tonight I will sing myself to sleep.  I haven’t sang since I got here and that’s one way I know how to fight the evil one – sing praises to God!  One song I have on my heart right now says:  “You don’t have to worry and don’t you be afraid, Joy comes in the morning, troubles they last always.  You know that there’s a friend name Jesus who will wipe your tears away.  And if your heart is broken just lift your hands and say, “Oh I know that I can make it I know that I can stand.  No matter what may come my way.  My life is in your hands. With Jesus I can take it with Him I know I can stand no matter what may come my way my life is in your hands.”  So when your tests and trials they seem to get you down.  And  all your friends are no where to be found.  Remember there’s a friend in Jesus who will wipe your tears away and if your heart is broken just lift your hands and say, “Oh I know that I can make it I know that I can stand.  No matter what may come my way my life is in your hands.”  With Jesus I can take it with Him I know I can stand no matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands!”   Wow!  I didn’t mean to write the whole song!  But I could stop and tears are falling as I’m singing it right now.  I know I can take it with Jesus.  But it”s still so hard!

I was lying here trying to go to sleep which is impossible cause its so loud so I started praying.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that I can’t sleep here.  I have had so much time to pray.  Anyway, so I was praying “Lord set me free from my prison so I can praise your name.”  And I heard in my spirit “Psalm 86:6 or 86:8″ I wasn’t sure which it was.  I figured that was a chapter and verse to go with the scripture I was praying.  I wasn’t going to look it up cause I could fall asleep.  But my Bible was right by my head so I decided to go ahead and see what it was.  The verses say this: “Give ear, O Lord, unto my prayer; and attend to the voice of my supplications.  In the day of trouble I will call upon thee: for thou will answer me.  Among the gods there is none like you.  O Lord; neither are there any works like unto thy works.” Psalm 86:6-8

Wow!  That spoke right to me.  God is telling me that He has heard my prayers.  And He is answering them with His mighty works!  That is awesome!  That might have been the first time I have heard a specific chapter and verse and received a word that was exactly what I needed!  Glory be to God!  His ways are wonderful!  His ways are good!

I opened to Psalm 119 this morning while waiting for breakfast.  It talks about being in the midst of enemies, but still keeping His word.  “Your commands make me wiser than my enemies: for they are ever with me.” (119:98)  “The wicked hope to destroy me:but I will consider your testimonies.” (119:95)  I had forgotten what it was like to be in the midst of enemies until I got here.  And its not my enemies-its enemies of God.  Sometimes its hard to keep my thoughts and my mouth pure with all this evil going on around me.  My favorite scriptures are: “This is my comfort in my affliction, for thy word has quickened me.” (119:50)  “Unless Thy law had been my delights, I should have perished in my affliction.”(119:92)  That’s just so true!  I would not have made it this far without God’s law.  He is my comfort.  All of Psalm 119 talks about God’s Word and I can apply almost every verse to my life because He has been my hope and my delight.  “My heart is set on fulfilling your laws; they are my reward forever.”(119:54)  “Thy statutes have been my songs in the house of my pilgrimage.”(119:54)  That one hits home cause I can sing praises to God all day long!  There are so many good verses in Psalm 119.  I could talk all day of them.  But instead I will end with one more.  My prayer to God “Consider my affliction, and deliver me: for I do not forget thy law.” (119:153)

Today is a new day!  God is so good!  So I knew there was a reason I was stuck in 2 Timothy the week before I got here.  The reason is chapter 2 verse 3:  “Endure hardship as a soldier of Jesus Christ.”  I didn’t have a Bible until last night and that scripture kept coming to mind .  Then it goes on to say that a soldier must not get involved in civilian affairs.  It was so hard to hold my tongue while I was living in Dorm 18.  I have huge measure of patience but it was just about used up.  Last night I got my first blessing since I’ve been here.  A bed in a 2 man cell came open and nobody wanted it, so I got to move in there.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  I slept so good for the first time in 3 nights.  My roommate let me use her Bible and she gave me a New Testament to keep for myself.  I’m still hoping my lawyer can get me moved out of here, but I am more at peace in my new room.

Randi is still at Tangipaho and you can write her at Tangiphoa Parish Prison, PO Box 250,  Amite, LA  70422.  Keep praying for strength and courage for Randi as she faces this journey in her life.

Opportunities – Do we discern when they arise?  This is the absolutely the hardest time I’ve ever done.  Somehow I ended up at Tangipahoa Parish Jail instead of West Baton Rouge.  I think there has been a mistake!  They shouldn’t  be allowed to keep people here.  When I got here the first thing I saw was that 5 girls are locked down in a 2 man cell for bringing crack in and smoking it.  There are people sleeping on mats on the floor because there aren’t enough beds.  Two girls have been bitten by a brown recluse spider.  There are not cleaning supplies.  You don’t sit on the toilet.  The one sheet I was given was tattered and dirty.  The blanket has holes in it.  I feel dirty sitting at the table right now.  There are a few books to read – no Bibles.   The first night here was rough.  There are 8 women in my cell.  They talked all through the night.  But where I come from they don’t call it talking they call it yelling.  The lights kept coming back on cause they were bringing more people in.  Every time someone new would come in, they’d strike up a conversation and I’d have to fall asleep all over again.  The second night was even worse.  I was already asleep before the lights went off.  And when everyone else came to bed they wanted to party.  They started off by saying a loud prayer.  I was good with that – let’s pray together and go to bed.  But then they wanted to sing Kum-ba-ya.  No Kidding!  They sang”  Dorm 18 neds you Lord-come by here…come by here, Lord, come by here.”  Then they went through every name in the dorm-then every boyfriends name – then every kids name.  And I’m all for singing praises to God – you know I am!  But they were screaming it and the song went on for about 30 minutes while everybody else was trying to sleep.  It started to get frustrating!  When they were finished singing I silently said “Thank you God!”  But they weren’t done.  They were done praising God – and ready to move to the real party.  They went straight into talking dirty – cussing and yelling.  They yelled at each other for 2 hours before they finally decided to go to sleep.

It was so hard not to get angry!  I felt God telling me to talk to Him since I was already awake.  But I couldn’t concentrate on anything.  So I prayed over and over “Get me out of here!”  That’s all that came to mind!  “Free me from my prison so I can praise Your name!”  This morning is Sunday and they have church on the TV.  And of course I got a word already!  It was about opportunities.  Do we recognize them?  Do we take advantage of them?  Do we discern what we are supposed to be doing when opportunity arises?  Are we being the servant God has made us to be?  I’m gonna have to sy it is hard to see any opportunities here.  It’s hard to want to take advantage of them.  I know I’m being selfish because it is so miserable here.  I just want out of this place.  I’m hoping  I get to go to court his week and can convince them to move me to Baton Rouge where I was before.  I don’t know if I can stay calm much longer in this place.